My friend, the psychopath.

You get it.

Ring leader of psychopaths, both foreign and domestic.

 

WARNING: This blog isn’t about Hillary Rodham Clinton, so, please, don’t get sexually aroused going into this thing.

I’m not a psychologist, but if I were, I would choose to study psychopaths, because they’re so gosh-darned interesting.  I’ve even given careful consideration to spending the bulk of my time with psychopaths.  You know, to spice it up a bit.  I know someone who I consider to be a psychopath.  Since I’m not a psychologist, I am hoping that someone with the credentials, or education (or just some person that thinks they’re a pillar of the mental health community (most avid YouTube commenters)) will help me make a determination.  So, what I’ve done is laid out all of her interesting behavior in the hopes that someone equipped with the arcane knowledge of the mind happens upon this blog.  Enjoy!

I’m referring to the possible psychopath as PaP for “Possibly a Psychopath”.

  • Occasionally, when PaP has been trying to get in touch with me, and I haven’t been able to pick up, or just didn’t want to, her reaction to my absence (many times, at least) goes like this: “I’ve been trying to get a hold of you, because I wanted you to come over, and help me have sex with all of these beautiful women I have over.”  It may be a different situation.  It’s actually, always a different situation, but you get the picture.
  • PaP has a very strong tendency to paint other people in the worst light.  When I first noticed her doing this, I credited it to her bitchiness, but now, I think it’s that she wants your loyalties to be with her alone.  If she makes you hate everyone else, then no one, except her, is left.  Devious, no?
  • She claims that she was a nurse in the past.  Normally, I would believe someone if they were to make this claim, because that happens in life.  Some women become nurses!  However, in her case, I rarely believe what she says, unless, I know for certain what PaP is saying is true, because I’ve witnessed it.  From time to time, where questions about something medical have come up, and if she doesn’t know the truth, she’ll just fabricate something.  People may have various reasons for doing this, and it’s something non-psychopaths have done, but I’m simply revealing her character as I go.  Now, I know when she’s doing this, because we’ve been associates for a few years, and I’m somewhat observant.  The voice pitch goes up, and it sounds like she’s struggling to say the right thing.
  • A favor with PaP is never a favor.  A favor for her is much like currency to get you do something for her later, and in most cases she’ll ask you to do something for her right away.  I wonder, sometimes, if she even needs what she is asking me for.
  • She feigns emotion.  I was telling PaP about a character in a movie getting hurt, while she was looking through her text messages (she rarely listens to what you’re saying unless its about her), towards the end of the story she looked up from her phone, and as she realized, that I realized she wasn’t listening, she started to act like she was so interested, and that she was gravely concerned for the person in the story.  The fake person in the story.  Her emotional affect sounded so contrived, and it actually creeped me out a bit.
  • She lives with someone who I’m actually friends with; this person takes care of her needs completely, but she’ll complain about him incessantly when he isn’t there.  I don’t think she cares about this person in any way.  I don’t think she’s ever said something nice about him while he’s absent, or otherwise.  This is different in her quest for your loyalty, because these tirades are about their relationship.  When she’s turning you against someone, she does it by highlighting things that were said about you in the situation.
  • We share another mutual friend.  We’ll call this dude “Tony”.  One day Tony called PaP complaining that he was very depressed, and was thinking about committing suicide.  While I’m sure she didn’t express this to him on the phone, when she related the story to me, she was angry and irritated at Tony, because he didn’t ask her how she was doing.  When we were discussing Tony’s call, she said something like this: “Tony only calls me when he’s suicidal anymore (as if he’s choosing to be suicidal, and only to call her to bitch about suicide).  Today, he didn’t even ask me what was going on with me when he called.  He just bitched about how much his life sucks.”  Her tone when saying this was, perhaps, the ugliest thing I’ve ever heard come out of a person’s mouth.  An aside:  It crossed my mind that she may have made the phone call up entirely, but wouldn’t it be even more sick to pretend to be irritated about another human being considering suicide?
  • She’s very concerned with what I’m having for dinner.  If she’s contacting me around dinner time, she’ll ask what I’m having almost always.  “Hey, whatchya havin for dinner over there?”
  • Her grammar is insanely accurate.
  • She’ll speak really poorly about people in my family while I’m present.  I’ve left, on several occasions while she’s doing this.  I realize that anything I say about her behavior will fall on apathetic ear drums.
  • She used to be obsessed with telling me how much she’s helping the guy she lives with, when I know that isn’t true in any normal sense.  She thinks that because she writes down how much money he owes out, and to whom he owes it out to, that she’s an invaluable member of the household.  In reality, I think she’s just trying to keep track of how much she’s going to steal.
  • The next few bullet points will be about how much she’s “helping” him.
  • She’ll go to pick up his check when he isn’t able, and will spend a lot of the money on herself.  When I say she spends it on herself, I don’t mean she spends it on anything she actually needs.  It’s usually drugs.
  • She drives his vehicle without a license, and has costed him thousands of dollars to get it out of the impound, and for her tickets.
  • She steals his vehicle when she wants to go somewhere.  Like, for drugs, for instance.
  • If her roommate needs to go pick something up for himself, then he goes all by himself; she rarely offers to go with him for company.  If she offers to go, it’s because she really wanted to get out of the house or she’s going to get something.
  • Their place is absolutely filthy.  Nicotine stains on everything, and just clearly not kept up with.  Her roommate works all day while she’s there with the mess.  She blames this on her depression, but I don’t think she’s ever actually been truly depressed in her life.
  • PaP is addicted to opiates, which is what it is, but when she met her roommate – he wasn’t.  Guess what she did!
I think this is accurate with psychopathy

I think this is accurate with psychopathy

You might be asking yourself why I willfully allow this person to remain in my life.  Our relationship is one borne out of necessity, and she’s very close to someone who I care for very much.  Also, it’s pretty  interesting to see what she’s going to do next.

It isn’t that I hate this person, but I’m interested in her behavior.  I realize that she is probably not choosing to be the who she is, and that psychopaths are just born with some faulty neural wiring, but its still interesting, and I hope you all enjoyed this article.

If you’re interested in psycopathy, then check out the Hare’s Psychopathy Checklist.  It is likely that you know one, and perhaps the Hare’s Psychopathy Checklist will act as a guide for you to determine your future course with this individual.  I wouldn’t recommend diagnosing them yourself for obvious reasons, but more importantly, you should probably be very careful about your dealings with such a person.  They have NO cares for you as an individual, and, most likely, your relationship with this person could end in a very bad way.

See the Hare’s Psychopathy Checklist (you have to scroll down a bit to get to the bullet point list): http://www.minddisorders.com/Flu-Inv/Hare-Psychopathy-Checklist.html

 

Advertisements

If you’re not practicing the steps like this, then you probably go to AA

Written by a group of 6th graders, the NA Basic Text has been regarded as one of the most irrelevant books in history.  It presents steps, but gives you no indication as to how they're worked.

Written by a group of 6th graders, the NA Basic Text has been regarded as one of the most irrelevant books in history. It presents steps, but gives you no indication as to how they’re worked.

Hello neophytes and internet seekers.

Like the infamous Mitch Hedberg once said: “I used to do drugs.  I still do…but I used to — too.”

I’ve been involved in Narcotics Anonymous, and more recently Alcoholics Anonymous for the last decade.  For most of my time there I thought that I actually knew what the steps meant.  At one of my first Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, and several shitty years later, I realized that I didn’t know anything.  I was a chronic relapser, and basically just went to meetings to try to manipulate girls into coming back to my house so that I could disappoint them sexually.  I thought I was the most spiritual person in the world because I have a decent memory, and could remember irrelevant shit I read in spiritual books.

What I learned very quickly in NA was that I wasn’t the only person there who didn’t know a single thing he was talking about.  Sure, I could parrot the bullshit in the basic text, but did I practice this stuff?  God no.  After doing a bit of people watching I quickly made the discovery that there were a lot of like-minded anti-social assholes doing the same thing I was.

I’ve codified this coherent system, and for the first time I’m presenting it to all of the clean-Os (see bottom) out there.

How the Twelve Steps are usually practiced in Narcotics Anonymous:
1.) Admit that I’m powerless, and then get really excited when I talk about my escapades of drug use and criminality.
2.) Came to believe that a Higher Power resides in the sexual organs of someone I’m sleeping with.
3.) Made a decision to act really religious.
4.) Made a list of what I was willing to admit to a total stranger, and desperately fabricated my past in an attempt to sound like a better/worse person.
5.) Admitted to another person my fabricated version of my past moral digressions, and deliberately chose to withhold my deviations from reality.
6.) Figured I’d pray about it when I felt like it.
7.) Demanded that God transform me into my ideal self-image as long as a lot of work on my part wasn’t required.
8.) Made a list of the people I felt like apologizing to, and told myself, “well, shit! I’ve got the rest of my life to do this crap.” Then I played video games until my eyes got really dry.
9.) Apologized to individuals when the guilt was no longer bearable.
10.) Continued to engage in self-abnegating behavior, and considered therapy as a viable option.
11.) Sought through prayer to improve everyone’s view of how religious I am. Fuck meditation. Sounds too hard.
12.) Having increased my grandiose self-image, I tried to go to meetings at least twice a week, and talk about myself for at least ten to fifteen minutes at the tables.

A clean-O is a person who doesn’t give a shit about anything else than NA.  They think that God got bored watching drunk people scurry about, came down from heaven, manifested as Bill W., Ebi Thatcher, Dr. Bob, the entire Oxford Group, and Carl Jung AT THE SAME TIME, and penned the steps for the benefit of all mankind.  These people have never been wrong.  They tell everyone to keep their sharing to a minimum, wait to share last, and proceed to share the arcane secrets of sobriety with their loyal group of sycophants at the table.  They share for so long, that your level of boredom becomes physically painful.  They’re sure you want their advice, and they’ll be sure to dispense that advice in front of everyone to bolster their colossal egos.  They’re the people that think they have the right to tell everyone else how to live their lives, but if you’re to investigate their behavior closely, then you’ll see that they’re more hypocritical than anyone in active addiction.  They love to pick the topic, and smirk if it’s not out of the literature.  They really like to read the pamphlets because this gives them more time to talk about themselves.

If time permits, I’ll be writing an article about clean-Os in the future.

What is a Darpinion, and why do I care?

dar – PIN – yun 1.) (n): satirical opinion about something happening in the world

2.) (v): the act of creating a satirical opinion about something happening in the world

As you can see, by the definition, a darpinion is much like an opinion, only different, and better.  You should care, because, if you don’t, it will deeply hurt my feelings, and I will exercise my powers of advanced wizardry to seek you out, destroy you, take ownership of your property (including your family), and put them through years of re-programming and systematic abuse.  Abuse that will involve terrapin turtles in some creative and evil way†.  I haven’t worked out the details yet.

The purpose of this page is satirical in nature, and is meant, primarily, for the laughter I’d like to generate in the world.  There are also times that semi-serious blogs will be posted, and I hope they can generate thought provoking discussion.

Commenting rules are simple!  They are as follows…

1.) If you voted for George W. Bush, and still think he was a good president, then for the love of God, don’t comment.*

†Note: I’m not really planning on torturing anyone. Torture should be left to the pros: Dick Cheney and the faculty at Gitmo.

*Note: I don’t dislike conservative republicans in any way, but I hardly consider George W. Bush to be a conservative republican.  If you do…my condolences.