Hello neophytes and internet seekers.
Like the infamous Mitch Hedberg once said: “I used to do drugs. I still do…but I used to — too.”
I’ve been involved in Narcotics Anonymous, and more recently Alcoholics Anonymous for the last decade. For most of my time there I thought that I actually knew what the steps meant. At one of my first Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, and several shitty years later, I realized that I didn’t know anything. I was a chronic relapser, and basically just went to meetings to try to manipulate girls into coming back to my house so that I could disappoint them sexually. I thought I was the most spiritual person in the world because I have a decent memory, and could remember irrelevant shit I read in spiritual books.
What I learned very quickly in NA was that I wasn’t the only person there who didn’t know a single thing he was talking about. Sure, I could parrot the bullshit in the basic text, but did I practice this stuff? God no. After doing a bit of people watching I quickly made the discovery that there were a lot of like-minded anti-social assholes doing the same thing I was.
I’ve codified this coherent system, and for the first time I’m presenting it to all of the clean-Os (see bottom) out there.
How the Twelve Steps are usually practiced in Narcotics Anonymous:
1.) Admit that I’m powerless, and then get really excited when I talk about my escapades of drug use and criminality.
2.) Came to believe that a Higher Power resides in the sexual organs of someone I’m sleeping with.
3.) Made a decision to act really religious.
4.) Made a list of what I was willing to admit to a total stranger, and desperately fabricated my past in an attempt to sound like a better/worse person.
5.) Admitted to another person my fabricated version of my past moral digressions, and deliberately chose to withhold my deviations from reality.
6.) Figured I’d pray about it when I felt like it.
7.) Demanded that God transform me into my ideal self-image as long as a lot of work on my part wasn’t required.
8.) Made a list of the people I felt like apologizing to, and told myself, “well, shit! I’ve got the rest of my life to do this crap.” Then I played video games until my eyes got really dry.
9.) Apologized to individuals when the guilt was no longer bearable.
10.) Continued to engage in self-abnegating behavior, and considered therapy as a viable option.
11.) Sought through prayer to improve everyone’s view of how religious I am. Fuck meditation. Sounds too hard.
12.) Having increased my grandiose self-image, I tried to go to meetings at least twice a week, and talk about myself for at least ten to fifteen minutes at the tables.
A clean-O is a person who doesn’t give a shit about anything else than NA. They think that God got bored watching drunk people scurry about, came down from heaven, manifested as Bill W., Ebi Thatcher, Dr. Bob, the entire Oxford Group, and Carl Jung AT THE SAME TIME, and penned the steps for the benefit of all mankind. These people have never been wrong. They tell everyone to keep their sharing to a minimum, wait to share last, and proceed to share the arcane secrets of sobriety with their loyal group of sycophants at the table. They share for so long, that your level of boredom becomes physically painful. They’re sure you want their advice, and they’ll be sure to dispense that advice in front of everyone to bolster their colossal egos. They’re the people that think they have the right to tell everyone else how to live their lives, but if you’re to investigate their behavior closely, then you’ll see that they’re more hypocritical than anyone in active addiction. They love to pick the topic, and smirk if it’s not out of the literature. They really like to read the pamphlets because this gives them more time to talk about themselves.
If time permits, I’ll be writing an article about clean-Os in the future.